My heart is with you brother! Eight years ago I ended a stormy dating relationship that really turned me upside down and inside out. In a chance dinner meeting, sharing my story, the doctor at the table turned out to be a specialist in BPD and based on my description introduced me to this (at the time) rare diagnosis. The challenge then also was that these folks often did not respond to therapy.

One of the keys is that BPD can have loved ones think they are a bit crazy. One moment, the person is loving, the next they can be out of control. They move from idolizing people to demonizing them in seconds. All it takes is a simple mistake, an small human error on someone’s part and they go from perfect to evil for the BPD sufferer. Groups can help loved ones learn to not take the attacks personally.

Research suggested one cause could be a serious trauma in youth that has them emotionally stuck at that age. They seem like adults but are looking at the world through a child’s eyes. Thus, they don’t understand, as adults do, that people make mistakes, and thus they think the person will hurt them as they were hurt before. Basically re- stimulating the original wound and they’ll do anything to get out of the situation. In my girl’s case, a horrible sexual violation occurred at 9 years old. She was emotionally a wounded 9-year old in a woman’s body.

Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) can be incredibly effective at finding exact trauma point and reducing it. It’s an incredible modality proven effective for phobias. Trauma can be like a phobic response self-protection mechanism.

The therapies that looked promising worked to help the person grow up, starting from that young age of trauma. They learn what we take for granted about patience, tolerance, and acceptance of others’ fallibility. This can be a long road of education. Like educating one after a stroke. Helping the emotional child grow up is a journey.

Peace and blessings to you Max!

I read your post and felt I wanted to offer my perspective – its just my opinion and not ‘professional advice’, but maybe some of it may be useful to you.

It sounds like you are experiencing the typical symptoms of someone in a close relationship with a relative who has borderline personality. Although your wife may not want you to be in touch with her psychiatrist, and she has a right to her privacy, you are still entitled to some support so that you can separate your wife’s behaviour and attitudes from your beliefs about yourself and your life. You might want to contact your local Mental Health Team for information or get your own counsellor, so that you can get the support and develop the loving detachment that you need.

People with Borderline Personality are in a lot of pain and often have a great many problems in relationships. Trust and distrust are often very big issues for them and they express this sometimes with paranoid fantasies about those they love or with whom they feel vulnerable. They can gradually improve; usually they are offered DBT or CBT therapy along with other therapies, to help them cope with the negative thoughts and feelings that they encounter every day. Quite often, their problems are linked to things in the past, and you cannot do anything about that. However, when they are not well, they unwittingly create unhealthy situations for those who love them and often do not recognise the practical, financial or emotional destruction that they leave in their wake.

You need to know and recognise in yourself that you ARE trustworthy and your children need to know they can trust their parents to look after and care for them. Whether you stay with your wife or not, your children will need a daily life that includes a consistent and healthy parent, so accessing support for yourself is vital. Whatever your wife says, it is ok for you to get some confidential support just for you. Your wife will be grateful that you did later on, when she is feeling less vulnerable.