How sad….
………………………………..

You were an Enfamil baby, weren’t you?

Beloved,
Today is “Father’s Day.”
For me everyday is Father’s Day since I love God, not as “Father” but both Mother/Father and Author of us from the beginning of Creation and as they will cherish us until the end of time.
Your Mother, and my former wife, has advised me to not be myself with you. And so I remained silent, overtly indifferent, to you while attempting, occasionally, to indicate that I was aware of and in small ways to express my love for you.
I have been confounded by her and this I can no longer abide or allow.
I will love her until the end of creation but love is a responsibility in the following sense: That WE Love one another as we Love ourselves. . . . even those we call “enemies.”
I have experienced within my soul a failure to love myself. And so it may well be that Susan’s advice was based upon my self-loathing? I have been exceedingly thwarted and confused because I loved her without measure or limit . . . what has changed?
I now love myself equally.
I cannot allow any male, female or even ‘God’ to define me to myself.
I no longer apologize for being bipolar nor do I hide behind that fact. I no longer accept the convention that “crazy people” or “addicts” are to be shunned and despised since I know that we are more aware of God than the rest of our family; as in the Family of Mankind, or all The Children of God.
I could, would and will say more when appropriate. But my task in writing you this morning is to offer the choice of either going forward or backward with me . . . to find the tipping point . . . a balance between us . . . to stand still is no longer possible because that way is a meaningless death.
If I cannot be transparent with you I must fully abandon you as I have your mother. It will cause me pain and suffering but I will continue to pray for you. But of correspondence or attention I cannot allow myself to be so distracted.
In 12 Step Programs the phrase ‘detach’ is gentler but vague.
Perhaps “setting boundaries” is more apt? As in ‘this is mine and that is yours.’
Your mother chose The Church. I do not judge her but think now that she made a poor choice since I wept that she stole my vocation. My tears and sorrow have been rewarded since instead of The Church, which is merely about ‘God’, I know God.
Susan in her silence does not ask that I heal her and God knows I tried for years and years without knowing it. So we will leave Susan to her own fears, devices and concerns.
I have heard nothing from Maddy and suspect that all previous communication has been encouraged by Susan as she frequently did with Randy. The difference was that Randy did actually love me as expressed by his waiting to die after telling me; “Daddy I love you.”
You were there.
I remember the love and pain in your eyes.
I also remember being unable to stand beside your brother’s grave and glancing across it to see Susan standing silent, fixed and immutable. There were many times when I thought myself insane in the company of Susan. That, in essence, I was a “One-Trick-Pony” to be held enthralled by my adoration of her so long as I could support her choice to be a mother. Otherwise I was dispensable/deposable.
My mother was a terror. She attempted to kill me on several occasions while my father stood by, a silent and indifferent witness to my horror. Since I am healed or resurrected from the grave of my presumption that I was unworthy of love or life I have forgiven them in the following sense: They taught me to be mature enough in my love of God to go or be Face-to-Face with God; no “talk-the-talk” but Walk-The-Walk.
I am told by women close to me that I can heal. At first I was confused, and this is very current, I awoke this morning expecting some message from God but none came.
I checked the mail last evening in hope that I would hear from Maddy or you as I have for years and years. Then I checked my email; all three addresses; even the one I attend the least–nothing. Only then did it dawn upon me that my friends were telling me I could ‘heal’ others by word or deed only if I attempted to do so–as I did my mother and father even in their death–with you.
I am your father and you are my daughter.
I love you unreasonably as I do/did your mother and as Maddy will always remain, the three of you adored by me personally. You do not need ‘healing’ but our relationship does.
I have life and a mission, as undefined as it is; being revealed day-by-day.
Say yes or no, take responsibility for yourself alone.
Susan and Maddy will be fine.
I have to go.
Love,
Dad

PS Jesus will not come again least we become Jesus & Mary, both Mother & Magdalene, to one another.