Comments on: Helping an Adult Daughter

By: simone

simone — Tue, 13 Apr 2010 14:15:36 +0000

In reply to Eturk. you are so right. (I posted a similar story from a completely different point of view) sometimes you have to wonder if help is really helping.

By: simone

simone — Tue, 13 Apr 2010 14:10:12 +0000

This story is similar to my sister in law’s (SIL) situation (diagnosed with borderline, addicted to cocaine and alcohol, and an anorexic). What i see in her case is that my mother in law (MIL) is helping her in a way that takes away any chance of my SIL building up a sense of selfesteem or developing the sense of having any problemsolving abilities or worth. My mother in law is a retired widow and the problems of her childeren with problems (of which my husband and I are not) are a main focus in her life. So much so that she spends a lot of time pondering on their problems, more importantly, on what else could go wrong for them to make matters worse.
When she helps them, she makes sure that she is the crux of the solution, that she is the source of information and the source of the financial means neccesary for the solution. And when things turn upward slightly she (my MIL) makes sure my SIL has a good strong guilt trip over the entire situation (ther is enough guilt for 30 years of guilttrips).
I think my SIL is actually helping my MIL find a purpose in life. She (SIL) deserves flowers for her persistance. Too bad the world see’s her as the main problem (we have her 7 year old daugther in fostercare).
I’m not saying that is who you are in relationship to your child, but maybe it would be a good idea to see if you are a source of selfesteem for your child or a source of guilt and shame. Byron Katie has a wonderful discussion in one of her books about a mother with an addicted child. Such an eye-opener.

By: Sara Victoria

Sara Victoria — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 05:40:44 +0000

There are often factors in play relative to our giving or receiving support from others that go beyond this one lifetime. It is not necessary to dwell upon this idea, though there are sources one may ask to determine if it is ‘karma in’ or ‘karma out’ – but I mention this possible element as a factor in the dynamic to help broaden perspective.

By: Eturk

Eturk — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 22:11:32 +0000

We may notice again in the last post about the neice the “helplessness”. Here we see the poor girl doesn’t believe in help. She’s been wounded from people saying they were “helping” so is “less-help” now.

As her when she stopped believing in help. Who let her down that was trying to help. Who did she try to help and let down?

This is a conversation with love and patience. Often the person will awaken and begin to find their own help. We can’t make these people seek “help”.

By: sherry melville

sherry melville — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 05:23:34 +0000

That is exactly my situation with my neice.She is 35 and has learned helplessness. I feel morally it would be wrong to further assist her.As she will never feel free to herself… thank you deepok….

By: Eturk

Eturk — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 23:40:17 +0000

Can’t imagine your pain! I do have a brother, 24, I’m 45. Mother died last year and he is lost. We were not allowed to talk while she was alive. May I offer this, from experience and hind sight…

First, is the child actually at harm? If the really are, then call child services and take care of the child. No child should suffer at the hands of a parent. Wayne Dyer was an orphan. The child will do better without abuse.

Now, talk to her about “help”. The word. Notice in Deepak’s beautiful response he used the word “help” three times. The problem is your daughter doesn’t believe in “help” any more. Help translates in her brain into “betrayal” or “hurt”. She is afraid of it. It’s like a child scared with “God” and now some nice person comes along and says “God” and can’t understand the aversion.

So clean up the understanding of “help” with her. Maybe honestly, a parent said they were “helping” but were actually controlling and ignoring their child right to be themselves. The child would grow up distrusting people who want to “help” her. Now she’s alone in the world. We can see these people when they distrust so much the only help they want is “money”. At least money doesn’t betray them.

Talk to her about “help”. Ask her what SHE thinks WOULD help and still on that until SHE tells YOU. Have her think about it and craft her request. Ask, “what would help?” with love and patience until she asks for help. Ask her what has helped in the past. Ask her who she has helped in the past. Just talk about help so she believes in it again. It’s magic when people are this low.

With great love!

By: Lizzie Lou

Lizzie Lou — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 20:51:19 +0000

The only person you have any power over is you. I had a very antagonistic relationship with my daughter when she was in her 40’s and for many years before. Ihad to change my attitude towards her and that made the whole thing better. She is becoming more ‘human’ towards me. I have grandchildren too and she threatened me with never seeing them again. That was a big factor. Children need an anchor and a source of caring love from someone.

By: jane

jane — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 19:21:20 +0000

She is your daughter, she doesn’t ask to be born, you are responsible for her being in this world, she is your own flesh and blood. Bring her to counseling or rehab what is bothering her. Give her love , love is the answer for everything.

By: Debbie Bridge

Debbie Bridge — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 16:01:00 +0000

Accept, respect and love your daughter for who she is. That is all she really wants. Trust me, I know. God will take care of the rest.