If they are able to do what they claim —- why don’t they win the lottery?

It’s been my childhood dream to obtain my PhD. I’ve always felt that I’d finish my PhD to become a professor and share what I have learnt with others. But now that I’ve been accepted to do my PhD I find myself confused whether I really want to do this or whether this is something my ego wants. Though I’m working hard to pay the high tuition, though I’ve qualified for 1/2 the tuition in Scholarship at a prestigious University, though my illiterate parents struggled and sacrificed much for me to attend private schools and continue my education, though it’s been my childhood dream to obtain my PhD I am still not motivated at all to study and find it extremely difficult to focus. Every time, I intend to study I find a million excuses to distract me. And I am so confused now whether this is really something I want to do then how come I am not. I’ve meditated, I ask for healing and forgiveness of any judgements, fears, and limiting beliefs that are holding me back… I don’t know anymore and am confused. What do I do? I’ve already asked for 1 deferment from the University and it’s really decision time for me now.