Ready for Freedom

I am in a relationship for 7 years now. Now am 25 and he is 38. He is my first love, and I have never felt something like that in my life. My self-esteem was very low through the relationship, and over time I have become more and more jealous, unhappy and scared of him leaving me. I have done everything just for him to feel good, and lost many friends. In the same time pursuing an academic career and from the outside looking very self-confident. The reason for my low self esteem is an abusive family, and he was my knight in shining armour who would save me and love me unconditionally.

But the truth was that over the years he started taking me for granted, and I had became the person who was pursuing him like a mad dog, a shadow, while he was having fun with his friends and he would engage in activities with me only on my continuous demand. At the same time our sex life is incredible, and the feeling of love and unity incredible (when we are together holding hands).

He was like a drug for me. Because of him I postponed my dreams, lost myself, and was growing extremely unhappy and hated myself.

Your books helped me to realise why I was so unhappy. So one month ago, I decided to do the unthinkable. I decided leave him, to start living and breathing on my own. Out of a blue I told him that I have decided to go abroad and finish a PhD, and that it would mean that it is over between us (because he was never in favour of living abroad). He said that he would do everything to keep us together. I thought that he is just saying that because he is afraid to be alone.

So I told him all of secrets I was scared to share with him. And he said that it is no problem. One month now, I am trying to let him go, but he is persistent of us staying together for life.

He says that he is sorry and will change, because he does not want to lose what we have.

Our feeling of love and unity is very strong (like soul mates), but now it means nothing to me because I am so hurt. I felt like in an mental cage I made for myself. Now I am out and feeling wonderful without him. He wants me back and says we can work everything out. I do not know what to do. I do not want to sink back in an old pattern again. I feel the world is waiting for me.

But what if I say to him goodbye and never find a love like this again. It is strong. Again there is allot to do and I doubt will he be able to do it. I am just tired of trying. I have done this for many years, and he would not listen to me until now. When it is too late. What should I do? I have decided to leave the love of my life, and he is giving me the world now?

Is my view inflated by this sense of freedom, and could be sorry later? Will my relationship evolve now, or it is pointless?

Your opinion means a lot to me…..