Each day I awaken with the greatest of intentions. I meditate using some sort of guidance, usually a podcast from the Chopra Center, as this is what works best for me, right now.( I’m just beginning)
I live on a lake and take advantage of the calming sounds of the water. The waves echo my breath, the wind becomes my breath and all that surrounds me is within me. It is glorious and I feel as if I am home . . .
BUT, the moment my husband comes home, with his moods and remarks, the spell is broken! And then I actually RESENT him for breaking my peace. (although I know it is ‘I’ that does this.)
Before I go into work, I take time out to be quiet. I feel that I am brilliantly lit. When at work (nurse), I have the best intentions to be of service to my patients and make a difference with each word, gesture or kindness I can bestow upon them. I know that I am fortunate to have this vocation.
The mood of the institution, right now most especially, is one of uncertainty and chaos, with job-cuts and budgets. My co-workers complain, feel unappreciated and are worked beyond normal means. I become one with the collective consciousness . . . I am like a sponge, absorbing the mood of staff and the place as a whole. I end up complaining, perhaps not as much as I once did, but I still do. I leave there discouraged, defeated and feeling awful about myself that I was unable to remain untouched by outside forces.
I see a small progression, but if I could only sit on my rock by the water . . .
Why am I so weak? Do I have to move to a cave or monastery to stay away from the judgment and negativity I’m seemingly absorbing? Is it because I am empty, like a sponge, that I am so susceptible, so open to suggestion? How does one fall ‘deaf’ to the tremendous negativity of others without getting “sucked in”? Does it get better?
I feel such a frustration and ‘failure’ when this happens to me. Sometimes my ride home is filled with tears.
Also, how do you determine that situations and people are toxic, or whether they serve as important characters in the play? How much is ‘too’ much work, to keep relationships alive?
May your insight help me find my answers. I sincerely thank you.