I left my family at the age of 17, due to physical, emotional abuse and neglect I suffered from my mother and father. I later tried to re-connect with my mother and father at the age of 23, however the abuse and neglect continued during our re-connection and I left the family unit again.
I spent the ages of 23 – 28 trying to re-build myself emotionally, but I have always felt this deep loneliness and pain and I have never been able to be truly happy. I always carry a feeling of abandonment and fear with me. Fear of love, commitment, death. My father left when I was 4 and returned periodically throughout my childhood. My mother was physically and emotionally very abusive and I often feared her. I was unable to be myself around my family and they used tradition (we are of East Indian descent) as a means to justify their behaviors (more so my mother than father). My father was unable to stand up to my mother emotionally and mentally, as a result, my father often looked to me as a source of stability when I needed him the most as a child. Using me as a means to stand up to my mother.
I recently found out that my mother died in January of this year and my family notified me 6 months after her death. I have re-connected with my father in the hopes of making peace, but I cannot escape this fear of death and this weight of being responsible for my father, as he is mourning and I can tell he is sad. I still have some anger towards him, but I know I can look past it, but I feel I am looking past it so I can take care of him / mother him, as I did as I child. As a result, I have been very sad and unable to see the joys in my life, at 29 years of age. I am trying to look at family, death and life without fear and worry and but it’s proving to be very hard. I instead hold this aching loneliness and fear.
Can you shed some light?