I am ashamed of my behaviour and I would like guidance on how best to solve my situation. I have treated the love of my life very badly for ten years because I can´t cope with my parents trying to stop us from being together. My mother was nasty to her because she is from another country and she was worried I would never return home. It turns out that I ended up living far away from my parents for work but I gave in to the bullying of my family but I never ended nicely with my love always we would have fun and be happy together I would make serious plans with her (marriage, babies) then suddenly I wouldn´t contact or see her again. I would always have a back up girl who was desperate to be with me and use her instead. I thought by being with someone else I could get over losing her but I couldn´t; I started to stalk her using her email accounts and my girlfriend found out because my girlfriend always knew I was still in love with my love and stalked me also. Then I lied and blamed my love to get myself out of trouble because my girlfriend worked with me and was threatening to cause me trouble at work and I already had a difficult boss. I caused my love so much trouble with my lies and that girlfriend ended by doing very bad thinsg to her and still my love is suffering and i have tried to ignore the situation. My love is so wonderful she never gets revenge on anyone, she always understands me and my motives and my regrets. I ended up getting back with my love only to cause her more pain because I promised not to let my parents get between us and I ended up marrying in an arranged marriage and kept it secret from her and just a few weeks before having to marry someone I hated I just stopped speaking to my love. She stopped contact with me too and I contacted her to cry about my miserable life and tell her how much I love her and miss her and want to be with her only to tell her on her birthday that I am married and miserable. I always end up hurting her on her birthdays and xmases. I alwas make serious plans with her then suddenly I disappear from her life and let myself be controlled and bullied by my parents. My wife found out that I kept seeing my love and that my heart belongs to my love and she forced us to have a baby and it took ages to get pregnant because I didn´t really want to but my parents wanted me to stay married because they know her parents and they thought that would keep me closer to home. My brother betrayed me by marrying an English girl (the same nationality as my love) in secret behind our parents back to get my parents back for chasing away the girls we love and being so controlling. But my brother never supported me, it was only when my mother stoppped him from being with a girl he fell in love with that he married a stranger in secret. So now i have to live with that too. I feel trapped in my life. I prefer to be with my love as she is so pretty and the best person I ever m
et in my life and my best friend who has never forced me to do anything, who supports me whether we are just friends or a couple and helps me in my career and I have destroyed everything she worked for because of the girls I have used and pretended with have tried to blame my love for all the things I have done because i lie to get myself out of trouble and because these girls try and blackmail me and cause me trouble at work which could be very damaging for my reputation as my career is very serious. It is the only thing I can control and be proud of and the only positive to come from my bad marriage is that I can work as many hours as I want as this girl is so desperate she begs me to stay with her even though she knows I am in love with someone else and now she has a baby to entertain herself with. But I can´t live with my conscious and my life is a lie. I´ve helped do serious damage to the one person I love most in the world and i am too much of a coward to admit the
truth to anyone or help fix it like I promised I would. Now I do not know what happiness is anymore and am lost as to how I can fix anything as I feel so trapped and so ashamed of my behaviour. I promise I am not a bad person, i am a research scientist and try to save the world to find cures. The more mess I make the worse I seem to make things and the more trapped I feel the worse I behave and I feel like I can´t tell anyone the truth, they wouldn´t understand and also my wife is not innocent in all this she always knew I love someone else and not her but she punishes me all the time for not loving her even though she says she is happy to just try and make it work. I have no idea how to resolve anything. I feel very bad in my heart and conscience, especially as I hurt my love who is an angel and has always been my guardian angel and I´ve let her down and stopped her many times from moving on with her life because of the plans I made with her and then I just destroyed everything because I can´t cope with how my parents control and bully me. I am very stupid, i know. Can you guide me anyway to make amends for what I have done and how I can live a more truthful life and stand up to the bullies in my life who make me feel so trapped?