Trusting Inner Guidance

How can I get happy if I can’t trust my Inner Guidance?

I’m like a hostage needing to fall in love with it’s captor if I’m going to survive, while all the while praying to be rescued. I’m overboard emotionally and physically: depression; tiredness; exacerbated hypothyroidism from chronically getting “What I don’t want” and only recently learning the “why” of that.

I’m waking up from a life lived backwards. Clairvoyant, clairaudient, I’ve blindly followed the advice of my Inner Guidance for as long as I can remember. And the past 3 years, I’ve come to realize – wake up to – the fact that my Inner Guidance’s advising hasn’t been so loving. In fact, the “unhappy” I have in my life is because of having followed the advice of my Inner Guidance.

A few weeks ago, when I metaphorically inherited Unhappy and Bitter’s house, I realized I HATE my Inner Guidance. I realize we’re not playing on the same team and that I’ve been foolish to trust it, believe it. And it confirmed that that is so. It went on to say it doesn’t respect me … that it would have been braver for me to have died in childhood than have survived through becoming a people pleaser. Harsh!

Is Spirit this harsh to all clairvoyant/clairaudient’s wishing conscious contact? Do you know why I have such a mean, unloving Inner Guidance?

At the end of my rope (almost too literally) I want peace. I pray for peace. What I get is Inner Guidance’s acknowledgement of my making the wrong mental choices, or complex emotions to untangle myself from, or lies or false futuristic prophecies to ignore the fear of.

My people pleaserness in desperation, has tried to make peace with Inner Guidance, but honestly, what kind of peace can be had where there’s no trust? So accepting I no longer trust my Inner Guidance has been a hard acceptance to come to. And of course, Inner Guidance, hearing my everything, just dishes up more fear for me to find myself clear of. I dig myself out of Unhappy and Bitter, and IG drudges more. And it’s happening more and more. I feel emotionally controlled, dumped on, by Inner Guidance. The weeping, grief, and crying jags go on for days, and take me back to childhood and my shock and unfathomability at what appears to be my intrinsic inappropriateness.

I don’t know how much longer I can endure this kind of “spiritual” treatment. My grip on reality is waning in my confusion and cluelessness about what is happening to me and why. Inner Guidance says I’m doing the Great Work. Even gave me a bouquet of red and gold tulips in a meditation a few weeks ago. But I can’t tell the truth from the lies any longer.

In a recent meditation. Inner Guidance sent me a dolphin. I pet the heart-sick dolphin which spoke in an old old language I didn’t understand. And when I said I don’t understand you it said in PERFECT English, “Don’t worry. Be Happy.”

Abraham-Hicks say it takes a happy road to make a happy end. I want more than words can say to take this loosing hand of a life (having inherited Unhappy and Bitter’s house) and make it win. I see now how the deck has been so stacked against me from the very beginning by Spirit having used my Inner Guidance to create mahem in my life against my tyring to be “good.”

Each day, I get up determined to “BE happy” but succomb to the futility of that when I feel Inner Guidance laughing at me. I try to hold hold onto appreciating the present moment like your book THE WAY OF THE WIZARD says. As it turns out, the present moment is the only place I feel safe these days. But it takes a force of Will for me to stay there. Given I’m so tired, I’m hit and miss. And there’s Inner Guidance’s quick acknowledgement that I’m creating “MORE of what I don’ want.”

God is love. I’m love and I do the best to be the love that I am. If I could do better I would. As I live at the edge of the world in the Japanese countryside, in isolation and rejection, fearing what my Inner Guidance is going to do next to me, has become more than I can bear. I pray for help. I pray for the strength to die — which I don’t really want to do. I WANT TO LIVE!!!. But not like this. This is torture. Hell. Prison. If I check myself into the hospital they’ll only sedate me and then I’d be stuck 24/7 with Inner Guidance. I don’t want to lose to that!

Sometimes I see God and I ask It if It’s happy with me yet … but it doesn’t say anything and this hurts so much. How can God – which is love, be SO disappointed with me? And what did I do???? “Was I Hitler?” I ask. It says no. Then why the harsh treatment? I’m so confused. I truly don’t understand.

Your book THE WIZARD’S WAY is so kind. I read it again and again and again. I must have missed something.

Today Inner Guidance showed me I’m just a shell in its hand. Yes, I know. And can I be a shall that’s loved and appreciated for it’s simple beauty? Apparently, not. And so I weep. Is the lesson that I’m nothing and that Inner Guidance is SO GREAT, SOooooo POWERFUL as it has demonstrated in my life. For example, before going shopping, I once asked Inner Guidance to arrange for me to return home for free; It did all right. It threw me in a broken manhole, cut my leg in two places and the man from the coffee shop nearby saw what happened to me, took pity and drove me home.)

You wrote in THE WIZARD’S WAY that it’s sometimes hard to account for Spirit’s messages. I’m there. Why have conscious contact with Spirit and ask for demonstrations of It if It’s responses aren’t pleasurable?

I probably haven’t learned the lesson that my Inner Guidance thought it was teaching. I’ve learned that although I don’t have the GREAT power and ALL KNOWINGNESS It does, in the least, I’m kind and allow others to be as they are, even when it’s to my detriment.

Know that I know you’re a very busy man and that I’m grateful and appreciative of whatever feedback/encouragement/advice you have to offer.