Sarah Palin, My President
It will be a devastating loss if Sarah Palin peddles enough books and visits enough gun shows that she has no incentive to run for President. There would be many chances for unique moments in the White House if she won. How about Sarah on horseback, riding through the Potomac basin like Paul Revere, ringing bells like he did and shouting, “The Democrats are coming!” That would give folks ample warning to quickly cling to their guns and religion before the left wing snatches them away.
I know that she suffered ridicule for her version of Paul Revere’s ride, but from a Hollywood standpoint, she actually improved the story. Movies have soundtracks, in case anyone didn’t notice, and bells are a lot more cinematic than one lantern hanging in a church steeple. Or even two. (You can hear her defense of her version on Fox News, or as my friends call it, the F Channel.)
Since Wall Street’s recklessness plunged us into a national nightmare from which we are trying to awaken, it’s hurtful to say, as some do, that Sarah is the national nightmare. Not true. She is historically inevitable. First there was Teddy Roosevelt’s Bull Moose Party, now there is Sarah’s Shoot Moose Party. And she’s amazingly cheerful about this recession (of course, her own checkbook has fattened, but she has spread the wealth by buying a free shotgun shell reloader for every voter in Alaska).
I have some personal atonement to perform, because in the 2008 election I posted an article saying that Sarah Palin stood for our collective shadow, the pent-up bigotry, hatred, and anger that was suddenly being vented. She was Joe the Plumber’s calendar girl. She was the secret hero of Alcoholics Anonymous, whose slogan is that you can’t recover until you hit rock bottom. President Palin would show us that we haven’t remotely hit bottom yet.
The mistake was mine, though. Sarah would smile her way into the Presidency and then show pointy-head critics the error of their ways. Not that she would ask Americans to turn on one another in vicious divisiveness — been there, done that. With 70% of the public so misguided as to consider her unqualified to be President, she has a bigger job to do than fomenting discord and calling anyone who disagrees with the Tea Party a socialist.
My President Palin would lead us through a national cleansing, like Chairman Mao’s Cultural Revolution. Nothing as violent, however, not at first. Maybe she might let school kids scribble with crayons on the paintings in the Museum of Modern Art. I’ve never met a soccer mom who wanted a Picasso refrigerator magnet. Or she might close all the high-brow music schools and inaugurate the kind of music that gosh darn real Americans like: harmonica, the musical saw, and tapping your foot to the radio while driving a pickup. What more do we really need?
Andrew Jackson’s inauguration in 1828 was disrupted when a mob burst into the White House, tracking in mud, breaking the china, and eventually turning the lawn into a drinking bout. Sarah has the style to make this an official event. The Jackson mob dropped so much cheese on the floor that it ruined the White House carpets, so my advice is for Sarah to skip the buffalo wings and hand out beer bongs.
The last reason I want Sarah to run for President is rooted in a famous saying from the auto industry of the Fifties: “What’s good for GM is good for the country.” Sarah wouldn’t have bailed out GM, so you might not see the fit when it comes to helping the average worker. But here’s the update: “What’s good for my brand is good for the country.” Sarah has proved that in spades.
Published by the Huffington Post