Confused and Unhappy
I am feeling very disturbed and depressed about my current situation in life. From an outsider’s view there doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with my life today. I am an intelligent (IQ>140), smart looking, witty, athletic, young guy of 28 with a good job and a comfortable earning – all those things that would count as a generally “successful life”!
But somehow I am dissatisfied, discontent and unhappy from within. I am unable to find joy in life as I used to when I was a little kid. I have lost interest in my job, my hobbies and have gone through a terrible depressive phase with suicidal ideation too. I still do not know what to live for and why, though I am through with the suicidal phase.
Somewhere down the line I think I have lost my self esteem and desire to live. Probably it is because I was very idealistic and became cynical of the ways of the world. It could also be that so far I had “gone with the flow” and never really “knew” what I wanted to do in life so I’m not sure why I chose to be a doctor, maybe it was my desire to alleviate suffering and pain in others or maybe it was in some twisted way an attempt to reduce my own subconscious suffering.
I have recently been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (without hyperactivity) and am on medication (non neuro-stimulatory) for the same and I know that some of my issues (like anxiety, learning disorder, presumptuousness, rigid mindedness, lack of coherent philosophy) are rooted in this disorder.
I would like to find out how I can try and be the joyous and happy child that I was.
My personal experience tells me that the happiest people are those who are closest to their natural self and desires and the most balanced happy people are those who can choose to act upon desires that are “beneficial” and “pro life” rather than the more dangerous ones eg substance abuse and other such indulgences. I think over a period of time I have killed my Id in preference to the superego which is causing so much unrest within me. It could be due to my rather conventional upbringing and my own sober, benevolent nature that I have done that but it is definitely making me very unhappy so what is the point of not “hurting others” by adhering to social customs (religion, career, marriage etc) and rules when I am myself so unhappy! So even today I think my thoughts and philosophy might hurt my parents and family but then that is my honest self and just because it sounds eccentric and away from the norms I do not think I am really “harming” anyone by this, on the contrary if my values take me away from my family and they cannot accept me fully as I am then maybe it is best that we part ways otherwise we shall all live in this disharmonious painful way, though I would prefer to have them understand my view point and since they ARE interested in my well being I hope somehow I could convince them that my well being is in following my heart even if it takes me through some pain. I think one must learn from one’s own experiences rather than blindly following anyone. My father often says that experience is the comb that one gets only after one gets bald! I think that it is okay as long as one uses his own comb on his own hair; that is the essence of life to me!
From a Freudian perspective I would say that the happiest people are those whose ego is most in tune with their Id and the balanced happy person is the one whose ego can balance the super ego enough to help in survival in a synergistic manner with the environment ( esp society)
Apart from being very confused about my career I am also confused about relationships both with my immediate family and also my romantic liaisons as I do not see the need for marriage and on a strictly philosophical level I am for the notion of polyamorous relationships because I think one cannot really “possess” or control another person and if it is honest love between two or more people then why have less of it than more? I mean more love can do no harm can it?
I also do not see marriage as necessary to keep two individuals bound in a relationship though this view is deeply looked down upon by my parents and family and I find myself caught in a fix between peer pressure and my own philosophy. I do not see myself as responsible for social harmony and do not really think that a society without marriage should necessarily be unstable. It should be left to the concerned individuals to make an informed decision about these things rather than parents, peers or society setting rules about what is right or wrong ( as long as it is consensual between concerned individuals) .
A few years ago when I was in a relationship I would have liked a family and children of my own but now (probably because of my experiences and philosophical inquiry) I do not think I want to raise children, I do not know for sure why this has happened and would like to know how, why and when do people “choose” to have children and raise a family?
Dear sir, this mail may read in a rather incoherent and disorganized way but I have a feeling that you might be able to help me figure out my life and take steps for betterment.
Hoping for a helpful reply.