Wanting to be in love
My question is about love. I have been in a relationship for five years, he is my first boyfriend. It’s not been an easy relationship, my partner at times has been cold and ignored me. I’ve resisted him and been unhappy. I now realise I am scared at the thought of falling in love, I choose to be with him because I was scared to be alone and wanted security, he has admitted to me that he resisted loving me in case he got hurt as he had in his previous relationship.
However I have been developing spiritually and in the last few years have grown more loving and joyful about life. My boyfriend has been unhappy and hidden himself away, we grew apart and it reached the stage where I decided to end the relationship, I want to explore life and gain more experience with love and sex.
That was my plan anyway. However upon confessing all this to my boyfriend, it was like a massive bubble between us burst. Almost overnight he changed, suddenly he said he realised he loved me, that he loved my soul and was sorry for all the years of distance between us. I now realise that he is a wonderful person, he has wisdom and grace I never imagined. He has also gotten professional help for his problems and is much happier with himself and excited about life. He wants me to stay with him, I know now I love him, but I’m not in love with him (I’m not even sure what in (“in love” means). He says he will wait for me. I feel so sad, I want to be in love with him, the honesty and trust between us now at the end of our relationship is beautiful. He says he will accept any decision I make and will always love me. Can you choose to fall in love with someone? I feel in myself disconnected sexually and emotionally, my parents had a terrible marriage and I swore from a young age I would avoid all that pain, I feel distant from him still, but I want to invite him into my life, I want to share myself with him, to watch him grow. But I can’t force it . I also feel very inexperienced and confused. I have your book, the path to love and wonder if I’m one of those people who will never experience being in love with another person, that I’m too closed off. I should add I am twenty-nine years old and have meditated on and off for ten years, I have experienced unconditional love and bliss during meditation, and can be very loving in other relationships, but when it comes to him, I feel blocked, sexually we have connected on and off, but often during intimate moments I feel fearful and anxious, unable to switch off. I haven’t been with anyone else but I have a feeling that is how I am.
What do you recommend? It’s the area of my life that fills me with the most fear, it’s the one I have to heal.
Can you help me?