Looking for a new Christianity

I am 43, female American, Hispanic, raised in a Catholic family. Since early childhood, I’ve had doubts in the teachings of the Church. At 10, I felt that the Sister teaching catechism class was “lying” to me, expecting the children to believe the bible stories she taught as if they were true. As a teenager, I attended the churches of my friends, seeking words that would make some sense to me and found none. I feel guilty that, in my heart, I am not a Christian. I find the symbols of Christianity morbid: the cross, blood and wounds, the Mother’s pain, and a dark vengeful God who metes out cruel punishments. And so I have not attended church in years, and I rarely discuss religion with others. Most religious people get desperately defensive if questions are raised about their beliefs.

I do believe in a personal connection to God, a bigger, more basic, and more nebulous God than Christ. I’ve taught my children a scientific, stripped-down God who is a part of the mechanism and also the machine itself. And yet I feel lonely and adrift, without a group of others who feel as I do. And, I owe my children more than admissions of doubt, they deserve a fellowship with those who can put them on the path. Where is the religion of serious, intelligent discussion on the nature of our existence and the bond between God and ourselves? Do I have to have a “go-between”, as Christianity teaches, or can I open directly to God? What would I call myself, if not Christian?