Overcoming Apathy

I am a 24-year-old woman born and raised in Sweden, never felt I belong there so I left for New York when I was 19 to study photography. Since then I have traveled and lived in places like Ethiopia, Peru, Sri Lanka, Brazil and Ghana. With the motivation to pursue various photography projects but also trying to find a place where I felt like I belonged.

The last four years of my life I have felt this reoccurring state of apathy. I don’t feel happy nor severely sad, I don’t really get that attached to people nor places. I also feel this impacting my photography even though I am able to produce an image with certain sensitivity, I can feel it going through me but it doesn’t stay with me. This is really stopping me in going further with my career because I don’t know what direction to take because I don’t go to deeply into subjects even though I yearn for it.
Sometimes I feel like a dead person, it’s almost like a part of me doesn’t want to be here. I have few friends that I love a lot but I kind of avoid people in general. It might seam arrogant but I don’t feel like I get that much out people and I have a tendency to brush people of as boring and plain. I know it sounds horrible but that just the way I feel. I have never been in love and I am wondering if I might to arrogant for it. I will say though when I am interested in someone or something I become borderline obsessive. Everything becomes about that one thing or that one person but that is a state I haven’t been in for a while because I realized it’s not that healthy, but I do miss the high of it.

I also feel it affecting my body, even though I exercise allot my energy is very low, I have trouble sleeping and when I wake up I don’t feel rested. At the moment I very frustrated because I don’t know what direction to take. The best way I can explain it is like you want to run in the race like everyone else but everything is dark and I cant see the road in front of me, and I am just sitting there waiting and waiting for light so I can see the road.

What scares me the most is myself and my reactions. I have a habit to isolate myself and to go so deeply into myself that I cant find my way out again. I have to push myself to leave house sometimes.

I want to feel connected, alive and joy. And I guess my question is if you have some advice how to achieve that