I am basically a happy, harmonious person. I feel a desire to develop more on a spiritual level, but I have such a block on the word “God”. So much of the way that word is used actually repulses me. I also cannot seem to separate the word from what it meant to me as a child — the idea of someone, an actual being, up in space. It seems intellectually absurd.

Because of this I have a very hard time reading most spiritual writing and being open to spiritual growth. My questions are these: why would I have such a strong, almost physical, aversion to a word, and how can overcome this?

Since November 2008 I quit my job because of a burnout. In the beginning I didn’t realise it was a burnout. I filled-in that time with a course of NLP-practitioner for one year, and I have been to India to do a teachers course of yoga for one month. After that (past month) I did a workshop from Brandon Bays for “the journey”, I did the “Munay-Ki” the 9 rites and read the book of Alberto Viloldo “soul retrieval”. I did several “journeys” (Brandon Bays).
I am also practising yoga almost every day. Still I feel bored.
So when I watch the movie about the shift I think I am coming in the afternoon of my life and still I cannot find peace in myself, for a short time I am practising meditation and still find myself many times depressed. I know that I am going through a process of changing and I am quite sure that it will be better.
I am 55 now and I am not feeling empty and certainly want to enjoy life for the next 25 years or more. I have always been there to please everybody which results in not feeling what my heart wants. I never established my boundaries.
But this process is already going for quite a time about 1.5 year. I don’t feel the happiness I had before (long time ago) and also my marriage sucks for over 20 years and still cannot decide to divorce. The past year we separated for 6 months and now we are together again.
Is this process, I am going through, the shift like Wayne Dyer calls it? Most of the people get this shift in their thirities. Some people have their shift almost instantly. Is it my ego and fear that I cannot let go things? I am still wandering.

I rarely meditate but try to stay aware of my thoughts, feelings and actions. When I do meditate, sit still or give time to my body and spirit, I have some sense of calm. So, why don’t I do it more often? How can I overcome the resistance?