I’m losing all my friends

Most of my life I have been disassociated from people. It is effortless for me to unknowingly alienate friends, associates and family.  Sometimes I feel like I am on a path of self-destruction although I would not consciously hurt myself, I don’t let myself grow either. I have the tools; knowledge, guidance and love, to heal but I don’t use them.   As my children and I age, I find myself seeking friendships but strangely enough when I found a friend she lost her job and moved away. We are still in touch through email, but I really want a friend. My husband and I have achieved a moderately warm relationship after 22 years but we are both a little reserved. He has his own issues, although he’s a wonderful person, father and teacher.  What do I have to let go of in order to let myself heal and have friends?  A year ago I was diagnosed with ADHD which may explain my painful experience with lifelong associates. (Everyone criticizes me all the time, except my one cyber-friend of three years).