My husband of 17 years recently moved out, and it appears we are headed down the path of divorce. I have used this time to work on myself – learning from the experience, accepting and forgiving my responsibilities in the toxicity the marriage had become, growing spiritually, trying to find my way down the path of becoming a better, more enlightened person. I practice primordial meditation twice daily, sometimes using the meditation tools found in Spontaneous Fulfillment of Desire (i.e. heart mantra when emotional turmoil sets in). In my list of desires, I don’t have anything listed related to this current marital situation other than my desire to release any negative emotions related to my husband, and my desire to react to him in more positive, encouraging, and helpful manners.

Part of me wants our family back, as this separation is difficult on the kids, and we did have many happy times together. The other part of me thinks of what the marriage had become, and talks myself out of wanting our family back as it had become very unhealthy for both of us. Thus, nothing in my list of desires other than the above!

My questions are:

1) Should I list a desire to have our family back again as a happy familial unit again? I do want the best outcome for all, but I also know going back to the way things were right before the breakup would not be best, and this is where I get confused.

2) How do I know the difference between ‘taking the high road’ to minimize conflict when it arises, vs. ‘I’m going to get burned if I don’t stand up for myself’, especially where property and asset splits are concerned? My intuition tells me he is hiding money and assets from me during this time that I’m trying to provide for my family on my single income, but when I bring it up he gets antagonistic. How do I know when to take further steps, what steps to take, or should I just let it go and hope for the best outcome?

3) He is attempting to force me into making financial decisions, making some of his own and pushing me into accepting them. I do not feel the time is right to make some of these decisions, added to this is I truly do not know WHAT I want in regards to property and asset splits. I feel like I’m getting backed into a corner. My intuition tells me to hold off, not reply, do nothing, but the pressure is increasing, and once he files for divorce then a decision will have to be made, or made for us by the courts. I feel like I should be making my own decisions, but again I just don’t know exactly what I want in order to make any.

I thank you kindly for any guidance and wisdom you have. I enjoy your writing and teachings tremendously!

Hi Deepak, I learned how to meditate two years ago and I have taken to it very well. In two years I have been to silence twice, which I’ve been told is very good going! The strangest thing happened to me 6 months ago over the space of 2 weeks. On four separate occasions, I had a random flood of visually imagery that I could not trace back to a dream, memories from the past etc. In fact the images were nothing I had seen before. They lasted around 8 secs each and then left again, but the strangest thing of all was that once they left, I had no recollection of what they were. What I do recall is that the images weren’t terrifying or worrying, but the experience was. I can only describe this flood of imagery as if someone had opened the top of my head and poured freezing cold water onto my brain, then ran the whole way down the inside of my body and then left through my feet. Towards the end of this two week period, on the Friday, I started to feel really disorientated yet still coherent, and was walking around feeling half drunk. To make matters worse, everything I looked it had deja vu attached to it, even memories. I was so concerned that my mental health was on the rocks that I started to Google ‘schizophrenia’ and psychosis and the like, but I knew deep down that this was not it, but I feared that there was no one I could talk to because I knew that this was something that not no one would understand, or even relate to. I stayed in bed for the weekend, praying for it to go away. The on the Sat night whilst lying in bed, I felt this huge surge of roasting hot energy travel from my stomach to my head, and it kept running back and forth for around 15 mins, it was a beautiful feeling. I started then laughing to myself, almost sensing that I wasn’t going crazy, but maybe sensing that it was a visit from elsewhere. The next day I woke up I was back to normal, thank God. It was an experience that I hope never happens to me again, I felt so alone. What do you think this could have been? My Meditation teacher suggested that my awareness was expanding? Thanks!