Letting go of the need to know
Back in December I found myself at the edge of desperation. After months and months of constant prayer I started to wonder if God does exist or if it was just an illusion that we cling to in order to survive. I happened to be at my mother’s house at the time to spend a few days during Christmas celebration. As I wondered about the existence of God I looked and guess what I saw on her bookshelf: How to Know God written by you. I felt a miracle had just occurred and that I would be able to find the answer(s). I read and became absorbed by the book and many questions became clear. I returned to Oregon, my place of residence, and another miracle took place. I was shopping with my daughter, we were looking at books and a young man that I had never seen in my life said You should read that book as he pointed to A New Earth by Tolle, and then you should read this other one The Power of Now, unless you are a very religious person. I picked up the first book he suggested and a week later I purchased the other one.
I began to practice and meditate. I found your website and put the podcasts in my ipod. All these tools have given me much help and I am working on a daily basis to come out of the emotional turbulence that I find myself in at times.
My problem is: I used to date this man who one day stopped calling and taking my phone calls. There are many details here and all I have hoped for is to know why. I’ve been in relationships in the past where I have been told: we should not see each other anymore, etc. That honesty made my life so much easier because I moved on and continued with my life without resentment nor anger. But not knowing? This has been like an emotional/psychological kidnapping and I am having a difficult time. Meditation after meditation, on a daily basis all I ask is to be free from this episode. I feel I have so many tools yet I feel so alone facing life and this particular task. I truly pray for this man that he may be well, that he does not lack anything and that he is happy. I work on forgiveness and I truly hold no anger anymore and if I catch myself feeling something negative towards him I immediately pray for good things for him. But at times I ask that question Why? and I feel sad. It has been a year since the last time him and I spoke. I am not sure where to go from here and I hope you have a suggestion for me. I am really trying.